Sorry For Kidnapping Your Son?
by AnimeAddicts7
Summary: (Hopefully) Updated version Gilbert is out of a job, out of money, but full of trouble. And little does he know that the car he borrowed (seriously, only borrowed!) came with a bonus prize. He was so going to jail.


**A/N: Quick author note! It was brought to my attention through two lovely reviewers (really, thanks! I never woulda noticed without u) that Uh…. My story had become possessed by Satan himself. So, I'm hoping this fixes it. This is why we don't copy-paste directly from Wattpad kids. Also, FFN wouldn't let me post this AT ALL and I almost had a mental break down so I'm praying to God for no 0s and 1s this time.**

Gilbert stumbled his way out of the bar, almost tripping over air. He quickly sprinted into the parking lot, glancing over his shoulder to see that the bartender was still chasing him.

Dammit. If only he had a car.

Gilbert shrugged. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He picked a random car nearby and tried the handle.

Huh. Unlocked. Sweet.

He quickly slid in and closed the door. Now then, let's see if he can remember how to jack a car.

He fiddled with some wires for about thirty seconds before the car made a 'Vroom' and the engine started up.

"Woo! I'm awesome!" He cheered, punching the roof of the car. He stepped on the gas and got the fuck outta there, leaving Stuck-Up-Bartender in his dust.

He happily cruised down the street in his stolen car. He would just take it around the block and return it. By that time the bartender would have calmed down. Probably. But as he turned another corner, he realized something.

The bartender was totally going to call the fucking cops. That god damn bartender knew him too well. Gilbert had stolen beer before, just a little bit, and bar-guy had let him off, but the Albino-jobless-German-train-wreck must have overstepped his boundary at some point; Which is the main reason he was chased out of the bar.

But bartender knew that Gilbert didn't have his own car.

That's how beer and a stolen car almost caused the fearless Gilbert Beilshmidt to have a panic attack.

Holy fuck, he was going to jail.

And then it got _worse_.

"Mama?" A voice spoke up from the back seat.

The albino's heart nearly stopped. He slowly turned his head. And saw a small child with wide blue eyes and a strange sailor suit staring up at him.

"Ah, _shit_!" Gilbert banged his head off of the car horn, causing a loud beep to which many cars behind him repeated. "Man, this day just keeps getting worse and worse doesn't it!? First I stole a beer - one beer!-," _Honk!_ "-then I stole a car,-" _HONK!_ "-and now I stole a _kid_!" He banged his head one more time on the horn for good measure. "Gott, I am so going to jail for this..."

"You're not mama or papa," The little blond boy stated. He didn't seem too freaked out, at least. "Who are you and why are you in my car?"

"Trust me, kid, I don't want to be here either." Gilbert groaned. He was so fucking screwed right now.

"Well..." The boy began again, "My name is Peter. Are you one of Uncle Mathias's friends?"

Uncle... Who? Why would this kid think that?

"Uh..."

Ugh, whatever! ROLL WITH IT, DIPSHIT!

"Yeah! Yep! One of Uncle Mathias's pals! We're best buds!" Gilbert quickly lied. The boy, Peter, gave him a skeptical look from the rearview mirror.

"Are you suuure?" He said, "'Cause Uncle Lukas always says that Uncle Mathias doesn't have any friends besides me."

Uh, fuck. Now what?

"Trust me. My name is Gilbert, but you can call me Awesome Gil!" Change the subject. Good. You're doing fine Gilbert, everything is fine.

Peter nodded. "Yeah, you definitely sound like someone Uncle Mathias would be friends with." Thank FUCK.

The terrified German child-abductor-Grand-Theft-Auto-felon and Peter shared a few moments of sweet, not stressful silence. And then...

"Do mama and papa know you took their car?"

Oh shit.

"Umm..." Think, Gilbert, think! What would Ludwig do? No, bad example. Ludwig wouldn't have stolen a car in the first place...

"... No? It's, uh, it's for a surprise! Yep! That's it. It's for a surprise party. For them. Mhm." Oh gott, a surprise party? Really? There goes the shovel, digging a bigger hole.

But thank god Peter bought it. His mouth formed an 'O' shape before breaking into a grin.

"A surprise party will be fun! Where is it?" He asked eagerly.

A lightbulb flicked on in Gilbert's mind. "It's at your place!" He said as convincingly as possible, "But I'm not sure how to get there. Mind giving me directions?"

The blond in the back nodded enthusiastically. "Sure thing, Mr. Awesome Gil!"

Gilbert sighed in relief. Maybe this would all be over in a few minutes and no one would have to know! If he could just return the kid and the car to their house, everything would be fine! And that's when Peter's phone rang.

"Oh! It's mama! He can't know about the surprise, right?"

Gilbert's heart was racing fast. He tightened his shaking hands on the wheel before answering the kid. "Nope! Can't know about it. Shh! And don't mention my name either, k?"

The blond nodded solemnly before tapping the answer button and putting the phone to his ear. "Hi, mama!" He chirped. His face suddenly fell into a confused frown. "What do you mean 'kidnapped'?"

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK-

It took every bit of awesomeness that Gilbert had not to pass out. He tensed with every word passed between Peter and his 'mama'.

"No, I haven't been taken! I'm just with..." Peter glanced at Gilbert, "I'm just with a... friend of Uncle Mathias's!"

_Noo, kid, noooo!_

"Of course he has friends!" Pause. "Where am I? Um... Dunno? But we're coming back home! What? Why? But, he's nice! No, he didn't offer me candy, what does that even mean? No! That would ruin the surprise! I'll see you soon, mama!" The boy hung up the phone with a flourish. He gave Gilbert a lopsided smile. "Mama says some _craaaazy_ things!"

Gilbert felt too dead inside to respond. He was so totally going to jail.

-owo-

"Mr. Awesome Gil?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"I think we're lost."

Oh, do ya now? Couldn't tell from all the FUCKING TREES and all the FUCKING ROAD THAT DIDN'T EXIST?

"_Scheiße, was habe ich gemacht?_" Gilbert muttered, swerving to miss a family of deer that had appeared out of nowhere.

"What did you say?" Peter asked, full of childish curiosity.

"Nothing." Gilbert lied. He was getting better at lying. Good for him. Somehow, Peter wasn't fooled by this. Unlike all the other shit Gilbert had spouted.

"It was _not_ nothing! You said something in a different language!"

"Okay, yeah. So?"

"I can do that too!"

"Can you now?" Gilbert honestly didn't want to know.

"Yeah!" Peter grinned.

"Like what?" Still didn't want to know. But whatever, couldn't be that bad-

"_Vittu! Jumala pirun paskaa_!" The child screeched at full volume, scaring the absolute shit out of Gilbert and causing him to almost hit a tree.

"The _hell_ does that mean, kid?" He asked after his soul re-entered his body.

"Dunno! But mama says it sometimes when he's angry," Peter shrugged. Gilbert had three guesses: 1) it was cusswords 2) it was cussing 3) oh, it was definitely cussing.

"What language was that even?" Gilbert asked. He actually wanted to know this time.

"Finnish! Mama is from Finland and papa is from Sweden," Peter replied. "Can we get out of the woods now? My phone is almost dead and mama won't stop calling me."

"I'm trying, kid."

And then, just when things couldn't get any worse, they got worse. Gilbert glanced at the side view mirror where he saw a sleek black car behind them. It took a moment to register, but when it did...

"Oh FUCK!" He yelled and pressed down the gas as hard as possible. "I'mdeadI'mdeadI'msototallydead!"

"Hey, that's Uncle Lukas's car!" Peter chirped, completely oblivious to the high-speed chase that was about to/was going on. "Did you know that papa took away Uncle Mathias's drivers license after he almost drove Uncle Emil and me into a fjord? It's a funny story, see-"

"KID!" Gilbert roared. Peter snapped his mouth shut. "GONNA NEED YA TO BE QUIET RIGHT NOW!"

"Why?" The boy asked tentatively.

"Because I said so!"

"But... why?"

"PEtER, StOp TAlkING!" Gilbert glanced out the side view mirror again. "Ohholyshit-"

The slender body of what looked like a _sniper rifle_ was hovering on the roof of the black car and attached to it was a very angry and _very_ unstable looking blond man who looked ready to kill.

"Oh! That's mama!" Peter said, pointing at the man with the rifle (A.K.A Gilbert's certain death). "I wonder why he has his Saatanan tytär..."

"His _what_?" Gilbert choked out as he was attempting a snake-maneuver through the trees to try and shake off the other car that apparently contained Peter's mother. Who was a man. And holding a W.O.M.G.K (Weapon Of Mass Gilbert Killing).

"It's what mama calls his gun! I dunno what it means but papa doesn't like it." Peter replied.

A gunshot fired.

The glass of one of the side view mirrors shattered.

And Gilbert and Peter screamed. If you were in the immediate vicinity, it would be hard to tell which voice belonged to a twelve-year-old boy and which belonged to a twenty-six-year-old man.

"WHY IS MAMA SHOOTING AT US WHY IS MAMA SHOOTING AT US WHY-" Peter wailed as another gunshot went off.

Gilbert, however, knew exactly why, and he was chanting something different. "HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT!" He no longer cared about the innocence of a little boy. Let him hear the swears. Let him hear it. After all, Gilbert won't be alive long enough to face the repercussions of teaching the kid those words.

Peter's phone began to ring again. Much to Gilbert's immense fear, the boy immediately picked up. Whatever, kid. Who even cared anymore.

"Uncle Emil!" Peter cried, "What's going on?! Why is mama-" He must have been cut off by the guy on the other end. "P-Put you on speakerphone? Why? ... I already told you he didn't kidnap me! ... ... R-Really?"

Peter looked at Gilbert in the rearview with the face of utmost betrayal. A pang of guilt struck the albino's heart, but luckily, he reminded himself, he wouldn't be able to feel that guilt for much longer. You know, because he was going to get shot by a trigger-happy Finnish man because Gilbert accidentally kidnapped his child.

Gilbert looked away from the sad blue eyes of the kid and focused back on the not-road. The least he could do was try not to crash the car and kill the little boy. Meanwhile, Peter was continuing to talk with 'Uncle Emil' or whatever.

"C-Can you please tell mama to stop shooting the gun? It's scaring me. ... Mhm. I can put you on speakerphone now."

Gilbert sighed. The hole was dug. The gravestone was set. Now all he had to do was lie down in the pit and wait to be buried. And here he goes...

As soon as Peter pressed the speakerphone button, furious screeches filled the (stolen) car.

"HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY CHILD YOU PASKIAINEN! HALVEKSITTAVA! _VITTUUN_!-"

"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TRICKING A CHILD INTO THINKING YOU'RE A FRIEND OF HIS UNCLE? FUCKING DISGUSTING!-"

"I swear to God, if you do not stop that car RIGHT NOW, every troll in this forest will personally rip you limb from limb."

"_FÁVITI FÁVITI FÁVITI FÁVITI_!-"

Gilbert just let it all happen. He deserved this. Oh, he so deserved he should just stop the car. I mean, he'd be totally fucked but he might have a _chance_ of living.

Oh fucking gott, who was he kidding? He was going to die. He didn't think it would happen this soon! He had people to annoy, booze to drink, a Hungarian to confess his love to-

"Guys! Shut UUUUUPP!"All sound in the car stopped and Gilbert was abruptly brought out of his near panic attack.

"Peter?" a much quieter and gruffer sounding voice came from the phone, "Wh't is it?"

Peter took in a deep breath. He looked like he was holding back tears. Because he probably was. He exhaled. And then he said, "Gilbert, you can stop the car."

..._What._

"Kid, are you out of your mind?" Gilbert half-shouted, completely forgetting about the angry family members on speakerphone, "If I stop this car there's about a 99.9% chance that I'm going to get SHOT like a DEER in HUNTING SEASON!"

Peter didn't seem fazed. He turned to the phone. "Mama, if he stops, don't shoot him. Please?"

Pause.

Oh, so the psycho was thinking about it? Goodie.

"... Alright." Peter's 'mama' replied slowly. "Alright, I won't shoot him... _Yet_." The last part was muttered under his breath, but Gilbert still heard it. He could almost see his funeral procession.

"See? You won't get shot. Now stop the car," Peter said with a firm voice.

Gilbert sighed. It was crazy, absolutely bonkers. But he eased on the brakes and came to a halt, the family-death-parade car following suit as to not crash. Peter smiled and unbuckled his seatbelt.

"I'm coming out!" He told the phone. So, he did. He pushed open the car door and hopped onto the forested ground.

Gilbert didn't leave the car. He was gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles were the color of the snow up in Russia. How many years do you do in prison for child abduction and GTA? He doubted that he could explain to the jury that the kidnapping was a complete accident and that he was planning on returning the car after driving around the block. He also began to wonder how much a lawyer would cost. He wouldn't be able to afford one, but he still wondered. He was still wondering when a voice startled him.

"Step out of my vehicle, please." It was the voice of someone trying very hard not to lose their shit.

The blond who was holding the gun earlier stood outside Gilbert's side of the car, smiling very widely. Too widely. He looked like Kuchisake-onna in a way.

Gilbert slid his hands off the wheel and silently obeyed. Fuck. As he stepped out of the car, he was quickly surrounded by four other men, one who couldn't be older than 17, and all were blond. Definitely all prepared to break Gilbert's legs if he tried to run.

Fuck.

Peter was about to approach him when a very tall and... Intimidating man with glasses put a hand on the boy's shoulder. Peter gave him a questioning glance which was met with a small head shake.

"Papa, he hasn't tried to hurt me the whole time. I don't think he will now," Peter nudged off his 'papa' and moved forward to Gilbert, who was starting to feel like a dying animal being circled by vultures.

"Gilbert," Peter began, "why did you steal the car?"

"To get away from an angry barkeeper," Gilbert answered monotonously (and completely truthfully. He had given up on life already so...).

"Did you know I was in the car?"

"Obviously not. Else I wouldn't have taken it."

"Why did you ask for directions to my house?"

"Because you didn't have a 'Return to Sender' sticker."

The Finnish man growled. "It doesn't matter if it was an accident or not. It still happened," He said.

"Why should we believe him, anyway?" This was said by a man with spiked hair that kinda made him look like a pineapple. "He's lied about _other_ things."

Gilbert was going to assume that this was Mathias.

"Stealing cars is illegal in the first place," Added one with a strange hair clip and a look in his eyes that said 'I'm dying on the inside'.

Dammit. Say something Gilbert! "M-Maybe we can make an agreement?" He stammered out. Tsk, tsk. Stammering. Not awesome at all.

"Why the ffff-" *stern glance from hair-clip* "-frick would we deal with you? Child kidnapper," Said If-My-Chemical-Romance-Was-A-Human.

"Because I don't want to go to jail and I didn't mean to kidnap your son and drive your car into the middle of the forest?" Gilbert said hopefully?

"Hell no," The Finn deadpanned. Welp. That's that. It's the end for Gilbert. Someone tell his brother that he loves him and to take care of Gilbird.

"Mama, wait."

The fuck?

Peter grabbed his 'mama's' arm. "Maybe we can use this _to our advantage_."

TEH FUCK?

The Finn seemed to be considering something. As did the others.

"Mama, how many illegal things have you and Uncle Denmark done?" Peter said like he was adding on some evidence to a court case, "And how many times have you been let off the hook?"

All five of the adults exchanged glances. Then, hair-clip spoke. "If you go to IKEA with Berwald-" He gestured to the Tall Dark And Terrifying,"-every day for two months instead of us..."

"And," Mathias added, "drive me where ever I want to go, cuz I don't have a license..."

"And help me with _target practice_-..." Put in the Finn, with a menacing grin. Haha. Rhymes.

"Then, m'ybe, we won't tell th' p'lice," The tall one finished. Did they have a hive mind or some shit? Gott, honestly, after all this, Gilbert wouldn't be surprised.

But also, those demands didn't seem too bad. In fact, it almost seemed like he was being let off the hook too easily. There must be a catch. A catch that Gilbert wasn't thinking about right now because Oh Em Frickin Gee they weren't going to kill him or send him to jail.

"Hell yeah, I'll do it!" He cheered. Peter smiled happily at him.

"Lovely!" The Finn said. He held out a hand for Gilbert to shake, which he did. "My name is Tino Väinämöinen, and I have a feeling we'll get to know each other _very_ well in the next few months."

There was something ominous about the way Tino said that, and the way his hand tightened around Gilbert's while he spoke.

"By the way, how's your health insurance?"

Gilbert knew then that he was in for one hell of a journey, one that would make him _wish_ he was dead or in prison instead.

**THE END BITCHES**

**TraNsLAtiONs 'N ShIt: provided by Google Translate**

**1\. Scheiße, was habe ich gemacht? - Shit, what did I do?**

**2\. Vittu! Jumala pirun paskaa! - Fuck! God damn shit!**

**3\. Saatanan tytär - Daughter of Satan**

**4\. PASKIAINEN! HALVEKSITTAVA! VITTUUN - SON OF A BITCH! DESPICABLE! fuck yourself**

**5\. FÁVITI FÁVITI FÁVITI FÁVITI** _**\- **_**Asshole but I repeated it a bunch with no punctuation. **


End file.
